Learning Again Our Need for Each Other
I write this article knowing it will be misunderstood and taken wrong. So I first want to clarify what I am not saying. I am not saying that social distancing is a wrong tactic that is to be resisted or resented. I am not protesting the posture of isolation for the sake of the welfare of our communities. Preachers who have done that arrogantly are discovering how perilous that can be. I have been and continue to be very cautious in my interaction with others and I see this as a consistent function of our love for neighbor. It makes total sense and is the most responsible way to care for each other in this time of real danger. I am not opposed, then, to what we are having to do. I am, however, lamenting what it is forcing us to become. The side effects of this necessary action are really quite heavy. But my prayer is that what we learn in doing this will impact how we see each other — and why — when we return to “normal.”
Please know the value of each of us!
In some ways, this experience has driven home the very first problem of humanity. We are taken back to the first day of human existence. God made Adam. Like everything else God created, the man was good. In fact, he was a big part of making everything VERY good. And yet there was something not good—being alone. It was NOT good for Adam to be alone for even one day! So God goes into action on day one to create Adam’s counterpart. Only then is God done sufficiently to take a rest. What is the message being conveyed about this? It is simply not good for a person to be left alone for very long.
Some of you surely remember psychology and sociology classes. The study of human societies and human interaction was part of the curriculum of high school. We were exposed to the results of all kinds of famous studies done to help understand what makes us human and what makes us tick socially. (You likely remember Pavlov’s dogs and Maslow’s famous “hierarchy of needs” as two such studies.) One such study was conducted on babies. Two groups were formed, one of them was treated as one typically thinks babies should be treated and one of them was just provided physical needs and nothing more—no holding, playing, cuddling. After 4 months the experiment was halted. Half the babies in the non-touch group were dead and a couple died even after the experiment was ended. The babies that had died were physically healthy—no deprivation or abuse at all. But they were not nurtured physiologically. In the days before death, they stopped crying or attempting to engage with caregivers. They stopped moving or being animated at all. The conclusion drawn was that human interaction is not just peripheral or secondary but is as essential to life as food and care. But even if death is not the immediate result of such treatment, consider the existence of RAD, or reactive attachment disorder. While not the only explanation for this disorder, neglect (not just actual abuse) of the child in early years leads to a young person who cannot bond with a caregiver, cannot trust or even ask for help, struggles with social interaction, appears sad and distant, and simply is not responsive. It is not good for a person to be left alone for very long!
This is true about every person. This is true about the makeup of the human being objectively. Even those of us, like me, who are introverts know that while we enjoy and gain energy from being alone, we also need a certain amount of social interaction or we will also experience a deficiency. We don’t need as much as others, but we certainly need some. This is what creates the phenomenon of “cabin fever.” There is a reason the worst kind of punishment is “solitary confinement.” To retreat into ourselves completely is when we have arrived at insanity. It is just not good for a person to be left alone for very long.
About now I need to remind you of what I said at the beginning. I am not piling up evidence to tear down the argument for social distancing. I am in full compliance with the theory that guides this approach. It is wise and necessary. And we know it is temporary! This is not a protest but rather a lament. What happens when we are forced to practice something that is not good for us for the sake of what is best for us? What happens when psychological needs have to be suspended for the benefit of our physical health? That is where we are. It seems almost evil, but it is a necessary evil. There is no argument here, but I wonder what other costs we are paying as we save ourselves
I have seen some of the costs. And some people might be audacious enough to deny them or minimize them, but be careful in doing this. The proper approach is to join people in lamenting them and to openly acknowledge the significance of the costs. It has even caused us—and again justifiably so—to categorize people. The whole business of labeling some occupations and services “essential” is part of this narrative. I know what we mean but for the sake of brevity and clarity we are saying too much. Some services are “essential” for physical health and some services are not immediately urgent. I get you. I understand what you are conveying. But isn’t this a different form of the study cited above? The babies got all the “essential” things and still died! No, we are not babies. Yes, we are mature enough to understand why this is all necessary. But I would still argue that what was true of us as babies is still true of us throughout life: life is not just food and water and health; life is much, much more. I realize no one is denying this and no one is saying these challenging, isolating measures are permanent. But these things need to be acknowledged and respected even as we are having to sacrifice them for the present.
What are some of the costs?
High school and college seniors are paying it. That final year when you get to enjoy the full onset of the senioritis infection has been erased. That culmination of years of being around those people should be a semester of memories and “last things” and the feeling of getting your just desserts. After years of waiting and earning, your “turn” at king of the mountain has been pulled out from under you. Yes, you can always have a late graduation ceremony, but that alone does not recoup the loss. The daily things are winding down and you should be able to take it all in, but the halls are empty. I can imagine the impact this will have on the freshman class at colleges in the fall.
Those who have lost loved ones during this time are paying the price. I have watched the growing trend of making the funeral process quicker and easier. I am convinced this is not good. But in this difficult time, all funerals are stripped to the essentials. The rituals that allow friends and loved ones to touch and tell about what the deceased person meant to them and allowing loved ones to be touched and be told are incredibly important. I have been struck all my life at how hopeless and useless my words become at those times. But presence has power and when combined with touch it drives through some comfort nothing else can. So just “streaming it” over the internet and sending a text can help, but they can never replace. Having the funeral and only fully healthy immediate family being able to be present fails to deliver on what we have come to realize is a need, not a formality. Whatever “closure” is, it is not complete without the free flow of presence.
Those who have gotten married are paying the price. Yes, the union formed. Yes, the vows are in force and they begin their lives together. But one of the few times in your life when people go to trouble and effort to make you the center of their attention and affirm you powerfully has been interrupted. They send their gifts and their well wishes and they properly call you to congratulate you, but something is lost. And it will never be gotten back. Were you married? Certainly. Were you celebrated? Not really. And you can say that this is extraneous tradition anyway, but I wonder. I have been reminded of just how important actual attendance at these events matters!
Those in the nursing home have paid the price. We come back full circle. Are their needs met? Absolutely. And some of the people who care for them have gone above and beyond as seen by some incredibly creative things done to sustain a level of normalcy. But the visits of people to their loves ones has been eliminated and this is critical. Remember the study of babies mentioned before? That is every bit true on the other end of life, too. Their needs can be met but if they are neglected in social ways, our older people will suffer in significant ways that impact them deeply. This is disheartening! And there is a cost for us, too. Our humanity is somehow depleted. Yes, this is temporary. But when time is limited, it is also crushing. Just imagine a loved one in final days in a hospital or care facility were visits are not allowed. Those last days alone can be devastating, both on the one dying and the ones surviving. The price is steep.
There are other costs that are paid in this experience. Some occupations are entirely eliminated for the time being because of isolation and that is no small thing. Those who pit the “economy” people verses the “essential for life” people are missing a vital ingredient: this is not just about general economy, but about specific jobs, which is at the heart of life for individual people. The fact that church services are canceled may seem to indicate that they are not “essential” to life, but that can only be so for a time. Efforts at streaming services provide a Band-Aid but a huge part of the theology for assembly is being voided and at some point will be detrimental. As one preacher friend pointed out, how many practices can we miss before our game is impacted? Educational pursuits have been tested. It seems difficult to imagine that labs and student teaching experiences could be maintained during this time, which means either people have to repeat those classes or some leniency has to be shown. Will that show up later when the occupation is entered? If you doubt that these missed days are critical, then you are saying those days were never that important at all. I am pretty sure no one wants to say that. Each day builds on the last and prepares for the next and is therefore important. What happens each day matters and every day lost hurts. So our best response is to truly lament them and acknowledge such losses.
There is so much suffering being created by this social surgery that is required to sustain physical life. And I remind you again that I am not undermining or doubting that this is the right course. Temporary interactive fasting will do the trick as a cure for what ails us at present, but keep your eyes open to what you can learn about the life we are seeking to return to even while you are forced out of it. I have at times in the past complained about having to attend a funeral or a wedding or visit in a nursing home or even go to church. I see those as such normal, repeated actions that missing out on them was no real big deal. Shaking a hand at church was just what you do. Having a ten minute conversation with the lady at the nursing home and leaving with a prayer and a hug was just what you do. And just another day at school in class was something you were tempted to skip, again. But all those things are part of really living. Those are crucial things that when we abstain from doing them by choice we are hurting ourselves and others. When we are forced out of them by necessity we long—long—to have them back. But maybe when we get them back we won’t take them for granted as much. Remember that our lives have only so many days. And we are to make the most of them. The Psalmist urges us to number them—make them count. And gain wisdom while you live them—watch, observe, learn. This time we have in limited mobility is a crash course in amazing wisdom if you use it well! Look at the value of normal, everyday life!
Isn’t it ironic?
By being quarantined because these activities are not essential to life we are discovering just how essential to life they are. By doing what is necessary to live through this mess we are giving ourselves a chance to get back to really living. In this most recent day we learn just how true God’s pronouncement was on our first day: it is not good—it is not really life—to be alone.